Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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