he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
