dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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