I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
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