he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Someone came in the potted fern
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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