Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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