I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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