Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
