I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
