ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
porn star boner night. come get it.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
