And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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