Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
