I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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