Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
