does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
