last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
