I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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