in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
