As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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