she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
