Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
