The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
