your parents love me but you hate me
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
