Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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