the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
