they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
