How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
