Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The power of my boobs compel you
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
