meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
