Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
