just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
