State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
