I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
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It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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