so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
