you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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