u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
