My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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