after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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