is your mom at the bar?
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
