I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
