I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
