I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
