***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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