We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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