somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
