I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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