So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
