Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The air taste purple.
Randomize
