Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
