Just fell off a train. Bad.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
