I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
