I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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