If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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