I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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